Another dimension to the economic crisis

I’ve heard a lot of doom-and-gloom predictions about the effects of the current economic, *ahem*, “downturn”, but even the most pessimistic Cassandras didn’t foresee the reality that we now face: the day itself has now dropped by over 4%.

Some are saying that the drop would be even greater had it not been for TARP, the Temporal Assets Relief Program, begun in the waning days of the previous administration to give insolvent financial institutions more time to recover from their gross incompetence. (Fun fact: at AIG headquarters, today is officially only Thursday, June 4, 1992.)

I’ve heard rumors that Congress will soon start work on a chronological stimulus package to give average Americans more time as well. Insiders are expecting any such bill to get bogged down in debate — Republicans are expected to insist it consist primarily of tax cuts, for example — so I wouldn’t advise holding your breath. My best guess is that we won’t see anything come out of it until early November.

To be sure, there have been some other proposals for how to deal with the temporal recession, but quite frankly our nation doesn’t have the resources to implement them. Everyone knows the auto industry is on the verge of total collapse, so even if the DeLorean Motor Company were still around, they probably wouldn’t be for much longer. And with the popularity of cell phones having driven public telephone booths to near extinction, both in America and in the UK, those are hardly viable options either.

And that’s not even getting into the really crazy ideas like using ionized dihydrogen monoxide.

So what can the average person do to make the most of what little time he or she still has? Simple: move in to your basement. From general relativity, we know that gravity causes time to pass more slowly, and gravity is stronger the farther down you are. (And here you thought general relativity didn’t have real-world applications!) The magnitude of the time dilation may be small, but it’s still going to give you a better rate of return than your retirement account.

Besides, it’s not like you can stash time under your mattress anyway. I mean, then were would you put your life’s savings?

HOWTO: Be a homeopathic bioterrorist

  1. Buy a carton of orange juice and 30 1-gallon jugs of water.
  2. Place one drop of orange juice into one of the jugs of water. Shake.
  3. Take one drop of that dilution and place it into the next jug of water. Shake.
  4. Take one drop of that dilution and place it into the next jug of water. Shake.
  5. Repeat the process until you reach the last jug of water.
  6. Take a drop of that final dilution and place it into your municipality’s water supply.
  7. Everyone gets scurvy!

Frequently Asked Questions

WTF?

According to homeopathy, diluting a substance makes it more potent. While traditional homeopathy creates medicine by diluting harmful subtances, we can apply the same principles to weaponize healthy substances. Since orange juice has lots of vitamin C, a homeopathic dilution of orange juice would induce a crippling vitamin C deficiency in anyone who drank it.

How does diluting something make it more powerful?

Because some guy in the eighteenth century decided it does.

How does diluting something make it have the opposite effect it normally does?

Because that same guy decided it does.

Neither of those makes any sense.

I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were in the pocket of Big Pharma, you soulless corporate shill.

I mean, at that level of dilution, it’s unlikely there’s even a single molecule of orange juice in the water.

So? There doesn’t have to be. The water remembers what was in it.

How does that work, exactly?

Dissolved silica from the container. Or aerosols that get mixed in during shaking. Or quantum entanglement. Or friction with a fancy-sounding name. Which one sounds the most sciency? Because it’s that one. I was just joking about those other ones. Though they’re also true. Even though they’re mutually contradictory.

Is there any scientific evidence any of those are actually the mechanism?

Sure! I totally know a guy who knows a guy who tried it, and it totally worked.

No, I mean is there any scientific evidence? You know, double-blind tests and controls and null hypotheses and everything.

Well, no, not with those kinds of tests. It’s well-known that double-blind tests don’t work for homeopathy.

Why is that?

Why, since well-controlled double-blind tests of homeopathy always fail to show any difference between homeopathic treatments and placebo! Since we know homeopathy is true (as you’ll recall, some guy in the eighteenth century decided it’s true), that proves double-blind tests don’t work. Besides, so-called “scientists” are also all in the pocket of Big Pharma, just because if homeopathy were true it would invalidate everything they “know” about chemistry and medicine.

Wait, aren’t there trace amounts of just about any water-soluble compound you can think of in tap water? Shouldn’t the water that comes out of my faucet cure every ailment known to man?

No, that’s stupid.

Why is that?

The water didn’t get shaken the right way.

So there’s a special way you’re supposed to shake the water now?

Apparently.

Are you just making all this up to defend the ridiculous idea that homeopathy actually works?

No.

How do I know you’re right?

You think selling bottled municipal tap water for $1 a bottle is a ripoff? Think of the margins on selling small amounts of water as medicine!