Another dimension to the economic crisis

I’ve heard a lot of doom-and-gloom predictions about the effects of the current economic, *ahem*, “downturn”, but even the most pessimistic Cassandras didn’t foresee the reality that we now face: the day itself has now dropped by over 4%.

Some are saying that the drop would be even greater had it not been for TARP, the Temporal Assets Relief Program, begun in the waning days of the previous administration to give insolvent financial institutions more time to recover from their gross incompetence. (Fun fact: at AIG headquarters, today is officially only Thursday, June 4, 1992.)

I’ve heard rumors that Congress will soon start work on a chronological stimulus package to give average Americans more time as well. Insiders are expecting any such bill to get bogged down in debate — Republicans are expected to insist it consist primarily of tax cuts, for example — so I wouldn’t advise holding your breath. My best guess is that we won’t see anything come out of it until early November.

To be sure, there have been some other proposals for how to deal with the temporal recession, but quite frankly our nation doesn’t have the resources to implement them. Everyone knows the auto industry is on the verge of total collapse, so even if the DeLorean Motor Company were still around, they probably wouldn’t be for much longer. And with the popularity of cell phones having driven public telephone booths to near extinction, both in America and in the UK, those are hardly viable options either.

And that’s not even getting into the really crazy ideas like using ionized dihydrogen monoxide.

So what can the average person do to make the most of what little time he or she still has? Simple: move in to your basement. From general relativity, we know that gravity causes time to pass more slowly, and gravity is stronger the farther down you are. (And here you thought general relativity didn’t have real-world applications!) The magnitude of the time dilation may be small, but it’s still going to give you a better rate of return than your retirement account.

Besides, it’s not like you can stash time under your mattress anyway. I mean, then were would you put your life’s savings?

One Response

  1. This post is a hilarious epic win.

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