Mick Faldo v. the LHC

Damn you, Jamie, for planting the idea in my head. This is all your fault. The LHC won’t create a black whole and swallow the planet, but the following, a lyrical fanfic of an obscure parody song crossed with particle physics is so dorky it may collapse upon itself, forming a dork singularity from which nothing can escape.

I hope you’re pleased with yourself.

Well everyone hails
All their stories and tales
And Geneva now is a provider
Of stories that might
Tell of the epic fight
Of Mick Faldo and the large collider.

‘Twas a supercooled ring
Through which protons would zing
In hopes of maybe detecting Higgs bosons.
But a few people thought
It would turn all to naught
‘Cause they listened to credulous morons.

The scientists heard
Of these fears, quite absurd,
And explained that the worries were baseless.
But the fear-mongers told
About mini black holes
And reality-consuming strangelets.

Those fears and concerns
Failed to discourage CERN
And their plans to probe energies larger.
The opponents screamed “no!”
And they turned to the bow
Of Mick Faldo, the world-famous archer.

They asked, “If you have the time –
It won’t cost you a dime –
Could you stop it before things get much worse?
It packs far more power
Than a meteor shower
And it might destroy the whole universe!”

Mick Faldo replied,
“How would I get inside?
My success I could never guarantee.
And please done be miffed –
Though my arrows are swift,
They’re slower than .999c.”

But he tried nonetheless,
Aiming towards the ATLAS
And adjusting for underground weather.
But did his arrow trick work?




No, he felt like a jerk
When his shot pushed two hadrons together.

Still everyone hails
All their stories and tales
And Geneva is still a provider.
The story lacks harm
But it has a strange charm:
It’s Mick Faldo and the large collider.

5 Responses

  1. Isn’t “lyrical fanfic” just a really cumbersome way of saying “filk?”

  2. I’m not gonna lie, I am kinda pleased with myself.

    I could only have been happier with how that went, had you used the word univorce instead of universe.

  3. fluffy: Filk works too, I guess. I’ve thought of filk as requiring a parody of something, which isn’t quite the case here — you can’t write a parody of something that’s already a parody. Not easily, at least.

    Jamie: You say that as though “worse” didn’t rhyme with “horse”. Seriously though, I did consider it, but thought a reference to a second AOO so via the world’s worst slant rhyme would actually trigger the dork singularity.

  4. I doff my cap to you, Good Sir!

  5. On the other hand, maybe Mick Faldo scored a direct hit after all.

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