Not the kind of chess master I had in mind

When I started this correspondence-chess-by-blog-comments experiment, I said I didn’t know what would happen, and it turns out I was right:

(11:40:01 AM) Renee: Pawn to D4.
(11:40:01 AM) me <AUTO-REPLY>: Your move.
(11:59:40 AM) me: 1. … d5
(12:01:28 PM) Renee: I roll 3 d6′s for stealth check.
(12:02:45 PM) me: Which piece are you trying to bluff?
(12:02:57 PM) me: Or, um, stealth
(12:03:49 PM) Renee: your knight and that ogre in the corner with the mustache and glasses
(12:04:29 PM) me: You pass your check
(12:04:44 PM) Renee: woo!
(12:09:24 PM) me: The knight can’t see out of his armor and the ogre is distracted by the shiny knight armor
(12:10:37 PM) Renee: I wish to unsheath my sword with a free move, and move towards the
(12:11:50 PM) me: The ogre doesn’t notice
(12:12:21 PM) Renee: am I close enough to strike?
(12:13:03 PM) me: Yes
(12:13:15 PM) Renee: I roll d20 for attack
(12:13:35 PM) Renee: hrm, 10
(12:15:11 PM) me: You swing your sword clumsily and hit the ogre in the kneecap for 7 damage
(12:15:19 PM) me: The ogre notices you
(12:15:54 PM) me: He clubs you for 8 damage
(12:16:07 PM) Renee: ouch
(12:16:33 PM) me: Could’ve been worse — he rolled 1d10 + 1d8
(12:16:42 PM) Renee: am I lucid enough to retaliate?
(12:17:05 PM) me: Yes
(12:17:25 PM) Renee: 14
(12:20:46 PM) me: Um… ok… you 14 the ogre in the eye for 11 damage
(12:21:12 PM) Renee: haha
(12:21:42 PM) me: The ogre is confused by the use of integers as verbs and runs away, dropping his +2 club of clubbing
(12:22:52 PM) Renee: alright!
(12:23:23 PM) Renee: can I discard my sword and take the club of clubbing?
(12:23:36 PM) me: Sure
(12:24:30 PM) me: You pick up the club of clubbing and feel you could attract hot ogre chicks at the disco, assuming your search check is able to locate hot ogre chicks, which are slightly more elusive than the Higgs particle
(12:26:47 PM) Renee: Can I ask the confused knight where the nearest disco is?
(12:28:53 PM) me: The knight offers you directions to The Rook’s Castle on h5. He also comments that his friend as a club just like yours.
(12:30:23 PM) Renee: I thank the knight, and offer him my loose change as a tip for the service
(12:31:28 PM) me: The knight points to the nightclub in the next square, but gives you a long set of directions involving a series of L-shaped hops
(12:33:01 PM) Renee: I disregard his roundabout directions and attempt to move directly into the next square
(12:33:30 PM) me: You succeed
(12:34:38 PM) Renee: I attempt to enter disco through front door
(12:37:06 PM) me: The bouncer (a lawful neutral bishop) asks you to pay the cover before allowing you through. The cover charge is precisely the amount of loose change you previously had.
(12:37:58 PM) Renee: dang
(12:38:16 PM) Renee: I offer to trade goods for entry in place of the cover charge
(12:39:26 PM) me: The bishop impatiently taps a “no bartering” sign with his crosier.
(12:40:16 PM) Renee: I curse myself for not making a character who can read and head back to the neighboring square where the knight was
(12:40:43 PM) me: The knight greets your cordially
(12:41:33 PM) Renee: I remind him of the tip and ask if there’s anyway he would give it back in exchange for something else
(12:42:10 PM) me: He offers to return your tip in exchange for you returning the knowledge of the location of the nightclub.
(12:43:16 PM) Renee: I snicker to myself, and agree
(12:44:29 PM) me: The knight brandishes his +1 sword of neurosurgery and asks if there is any other knowledge you would like to have excised from your cranium during the procedure.
(12:46:06 PM) Renee: I use a free move to hold my club of clubbing up in front of me as if trying to hide behind it, stammering something about maybe there being something else the knight wants instead
(12:48:17 PM) me: The knight dejectedly sheaths his sword and laments that his line of work offers so few opportunities to use his medical degree
(12:49:28 PM) Renee: I sympathize whilst backing towards the door
(12:52:48 PM) me: You find yourself outside on a rectilinear grid. The ground is dark.
(12:54:31 PM) Renee: I roll for “Where to hell am I?” check
(12:55:50 PM) me: You check your CPS receiver and see you are on g5
(12:56:44 PM) Renee: I check for loot
(12:57:56 PM) me: Roll me a search check
(12:58:19 PM) Renee: 16
(12:59:52 PM) me: You find a pointy hat with a diagonal slit in the top sitting on the ground five feet away.
(01:00:29 PM) Renee: cool, always wanted one of these. I take the hat
(01:03:30 PM) me: It looks surprisingly clean, but a little big. It miter might not fit you. [The DM points out he did restrain himself from making any "knightclub" jokes so far.]

I thnk the moral of the story is, if you ever play chess with Renee, bring a source book and some polyhedral dice.

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