The Political Genius of Stephen Colbert

As everyone knows by now, Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA, is running for president of the United States. In South Carolina.

Some people might think that Stephen Colbert’s chances of becoming president are negligible, just because South Carolina only has 8 electoral votes, whereas 270 are needed to win (unless someone intervenes, of course). Some might even write his candidacy off as a joke.

Well, some people are wrong.

Stephen Colbert is a trans-media powerhouse, almost as though he were a white, male Oprah. At least, I’m told he’s white. Like Stephen Colbert, I don’t see color. People tell me he’s white, and I believe them, since taxis in New York stop for him.

Besides his award-deserving cable news program The Colbert Report, his syndicated talk radio show Colbert on the ERT, his autobiography I Am America (And So Can You!), his unpublished novel Stephen Colber’s Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure, his spin-off animated series Stephen Colbert Presents: Stephen Colber’s Alpha Squad 7: The New Tek Jansen Adventures, and his spin-off comic book Stephen Colbert’s Tek Jansen, he also has his own ice cream and line of premium man-seed.

With that kind of unstoppable juggernaut power, most people would be content to rake in the cash. But not Stephen Colbert. He uses his media power for worthy causes in addition to raking in the cash, such as raising wrist awareness, helping us better know our congresspersons, enriching our lexicon, and reminding us all of the #1 threat to America.

Really, when you think about it, Stephen Colbert has done all he can do for this nation without having control of the executive branch.

And when you think about it, only running for president in South Carolina is a masterwork of political genius that would drive Karl Rove into a jealous rage. While other candidates recognize the value in campaigning only in the handful of states that matter, only Stephen Colbert has the fortitude to focus on a single state, avoiding entirely the risk of squandering his corporate sponsorship money on campaigning elsewhere covering a campaign in other states on his cable news program, in accordance with federal election law.

Besides, the prospect of only getting 8 out of 270 electoral votes isn’t really an issue, if you remember your American history. Did you actually think it’s just happenstance that he picked South Carolina to run for president in? Hardly! Remember what happened last time South Carolina didn’t get its way in the presidential election?

You didn’t think calling his fanbase the “Colbert Nation” wasn’t meant to be taken literally, did you?

While the other candidates are focusing on winning one election across all 50 states, Stephen Colbert is clearly going to take the long view and instead win 50 consecutive elections, one state at a time. At that rate, in January 2205, Stephen Colbert will become president of Stephen Colbert’s United States of America. The Colbert Nation will have no 22nd Amendment to stop him!

And lest you think Stephen Colbert won’t have the votes to pull this off, are you kidding me? When Hungary held a poll to choose who to name a new bridge after, Stephen Colbert received over 17,000,000 votes. Not only was this roughly 15,000,000 more than the runner-up, but it was also roughly 7,000,000 more votes than the population of Hungary itself. The people cry out for Stephen Colbert to lead them!

Or at least, to be able to vicariously drive over him. But in contemporary American politics, isn’t that really the same thing?