Things I learned from watching Torchwood

  • Darker and edgier” is rarely synonymous with “better”.
  • Everybody is bisexual, or at the very least bicurious, if not outright pansexual. Everybody.
  • Putting video screens in the headrests of your special ops van is not necessarily a bad idea. Putting the screens on the front side of them — you know, the part where one rests one’s head — is.
  • If you’re going to have a super-secret paragovernmental base, the obvious place to put it is underneath a local landmark. You know, the kind that has a lot of pedestrian traffic going past.
  • If you’re finding it hard to have a character overact emote without losing your dark edginess, try using lots and lots of quick cuts during the scene. You don’t even have to maintain much continuity from one cut to another!
  • Welsh is inscrutable.
  • Every square inch centimeter centimetre of Britain is covered by at least one CCTV camera.
  • The needs of the plot dictate how you turn a machine on. In one scene, you just need to fiddle around with its inexplicably mechanical, fully exposed innards to activate it. Later on, in the same episode, you can only operate it through the attached computer terminal, which demands retinal scans of the entire team (including the guy you just shot) and makes you click through several “Are you sure? This’ll probably destroy the base and kill everyone” confirmation dialogs first.
  • Also, the villain capable of warping instantaneously through time and space at will who wants to activate the machine won’t just warp himself next to the machine and turn it on; instead, he’ll come up with a convoluted plot to trick the heroes into doing it for him. And yes, the villain is perfectly capable of warping himself into the base.
  • This satanic monster looks intimidating: he’s huge and surrounded by flames in a massive pit in a cave deep underground a planet on the verge of falling into a black hole. This one does not: he’s merely large and strolls aimlessly around Cardiff. He doesn’t even look like he’s trying to kill anyone. Sure, his shadow kills anyone it touches, but that’s an awfully passive attack. And wouldn’t he be powerless at night? He seems pretty wimpy for a season-finale monster.
  • Furthermore, having the immortal hero fight said monster’s shadow by writhing in pain at the shadow’s edge while the shadow wriggles around a bit not only looks as dumb as it sounds, but it doesn’t even make sense. Why can’t the shadow just engulf the hero? Is the shadow physically pushing back against the monster or something?
  • The fact that the hero’s gunshot wounds from earlier in the episode make it look like his nipples are bleeding during the “battle” doesn’t help matters much either.
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