Paul Kuliniewicz

So apparently Snakes on a Plane hasn’t been doing too badly. But did you know that while Snakes on a Plane may be the first movie to be released based on an Internet meme^[0], there have been other such movies in the works earlier, that simply failed to see the light of day? Here’s a sampling of some would-be offerings that never made it out of production:

All Your Base

Genre

Sci-fi thriller

Synposis

The FBI investigates the mysterious, unexplained appearance of cryptic messages appearing throughout the nation. Originally assumed to be the work of a suicide cult or terrorist group, things change once NASA discovers a spaceship entering Earth orbit. However, just before the military moves the Zero-gravity Incursion Group to attack, it turns out the messages were just the result of some kid using Photoshop, and the spaceship was just a coincidence. What a twist! (Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.)

Reason for Failure

Time Warner had already acquired the rights to the “All Your Base” name (see below), and efforts at finding an alternative title failed.

All Your Base Are Belong to U.S.

Genre

Comedy, animated

Synopsis

Was to be [adult swim]‘s first foray into feature films and intended to spawn a series of movies starring the cast of Space Ghost Coast to Coast. This movie would have been a zany spoof of American military and foreign policy during the early 21st century, with Space Ghost as the President of the United States, and co-starring Zorak as Secretary of Defense and Moltar as Secretary of State.

Reason for Failure

Abandoned after the cancellation of Space Ghost spin-off series The BRAC Show signalled a lack of interest in military-themed cartoons.

Roundhouse: The Chuck Norris Story

Genre

Documentary

Synposis

Chronicles the life story of legendary martial artist / actor Chuck Norris, beginning with the Big Bang (when he roundhouse kicked a singularity, thus creating the universe) all the way through to his ultimate showdown with Vin Diesel^[1]. Stick around after the credits for a touching montage of every Mexican Chuck Norris has punched.

Reason for Failure

After filming completed, Chuck Norris demanded ∞% of the royalties. The producers couldn’t count that high, but Chuck Norris did. Twice. He then roundhouse kicked the completed film into the sun.

Switched! Ellen Feiss (working title)

Genre

Unknown

Synposis

Unknown

Reason for Failure

Script had been completed, but then the computer went “beep beep beep beep beep” and then the script was gone. Unnamed sources indiciate that it was a really good script. The writers were going to start over, but decided to get stoned instead.

Hampster Dance!!!!

Genre

Children’s, animated

Synopsis

Hampsters dance. And sing a song. For two hours.

Reason for Failure

Hampsters dance. And sing a song. For two hours. Test audience homicide rate: 46%. Test audience suicide rate: 54%.

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Footnotes:

[0] OK, technically the plans for the movie came first, then the meme, then the movie. But if not for the Internet it would’ve been rated PG and called “Pacific Air Flight 121″.

[1] You may be wondering what the difference between a “Chuck Norris fact” and a “Vin Diesel fact” is. The answer is this: the Chuck Norris facts are true.