Hotel Axioms

1. The probability that a hotel offers free Internet access is inversely proportional to the average nightly rate for a room.

2. Hotels always give you soap and shampoo. Hotels never give you toothpaste. Nobody thinks this is weird.

3. Hotel TVs never carry Comedy Central.

4. Hotel TVs always carry Cartoon Network.

5. Family Guy and/or Futurama and/or whatever show has been moved to the 11 pm EST slot on the [adult swim] lineup can temporarily suffice as a substitute for The Daily Show.

5′. The Oblongs is not, I repeat, not, an acceptable substitute for The Daily Show, not even on a temporary basis. [adult swim], what were you thinking?

6. [adult swim], don’t think running Family Guy opposite The Colbert Report makes up in any way for axiom 5′. [adult swim], you’re on notice.

7. As soon as 11 pm EST rolled around, this suddenly turned from a list of axioms about hotels to a rant about [adult swim]‘s weeknight schedule.

8. And to think I used to find the periodic and unexplained swapping of Futurama and Family Guy’s slots with each other amusing.

5 Responses

  1. I’ve often considered number 2 – as in the axiom 2 not the ever changing character from The Prisoner. Anyway, I used to wonder why they’d give me a bottle of shampoo, a bar of soap, and a sewing kit. The first two made sense but how often does a person truly need a sewing kit? Not even MacGyver could find enough uses for the hotel sewing kit.

  2. You can scrub yourself clean as much as you want, but you’ll still look like a slob if your shirt is missing a button.

    Of course, the real question here is, has anyone found any use for the Gideons’ Bible?

  3. “. . .has anyone found any use for the Gideons’ Bible?”

    Penn and Teller have. In their book How to Play in Traffic they teach several magic tricks involving the Gideons’ Bible.

  4. Not to gloat, but the hotel I’ve been in for the past 6 months has Comedy Central. It also has Sci-Fi, TLC, and Food Network at least according to this guest information guide. So far, though, I have managed to avoid using these amenities. That is what the DVR is for when I go home on the weekends.

  5. Great, now I have to revoke axiom 3 along with 5. You must have found a good hotel. Lucky.

    At least the hotel I was at had Showtime, so for once I was able to watch Penn & Teller: Bullshit! when an episode was actually broadcast, instead of having to wait for other means to make themselves available.

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