Paul Kuliniewicz

As I’m sure everyone in New York is painfully aware, this week is the Republican National Convention. What can we expect to happen there?

[Disclaimer: what follows is satire and/or hyperbole. I hope.]

• No mention at all that the convention is being held in the same city as the 9/11 attacks, nosiree. Just a coincidence.
• Law enforcement officials encouraged to “go Abu Ghraib on those protesters’ asses.”
• Cheney forced to publicly disown his daughter or lose his spot on the ticket due to fears of being “soft on queers.”
• Fox News Channel “reporters” assigned to convention spend all air time bowing before delegates, chanting “We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!”
• Discussion among delegates centers on which country in the Middle East that had nothing to do with 9/11 to invade next in order to take military forces away from the War on Terror, alienate our international allies, further inflame anti-American sentiment, and bolster al Qaeda’s recruitment efforts.
• Canonization ceremony for Saint Ronald Reagan.
• To further solidify support in the South, official apology for “all that abolition nonsense back in the 1860s.”
• Bush’s acceptance speech defends the “often overlooked family values of lying to the American people and torturing prisoners.”
• Banquet held for Republican party leaders. Main course: babies.
• Toilet paper in restrooms printed with full text of the United States Constitution.